Upcoming Situation
I'm going to need surgery. I have a polyp in my uterus (the probable source of my bleeding) and an ovarian cyst about the size of a tennis ball. Which explains why I keep having golden retrievers lining up around me. Kidding aside, I am quite nervous about all this. Other than giving birth, I haven't been in the hospital since 1988 for gall bladder removal. Plus, I don't know if this will be out patient or if I'll have to be admitted. The hospital is in Wilmington, NC about an hour from home. Apparently they have the special equipment to do all of the procedures the doctor wants to do to me.
I am scared. I want to have a positive attitude about all this, but when I'm in this much discomfort (I can feel the cyst on my left side) all I want to do is curl up and cry. We canceled another camping trip because of me. Additionally, I'm not even sure my health insurance will cover my surgery. The cost of insurance has gone up so much, that where I work had to offer a cut rate plan so employees could still afford something. But I am finding out the hard way that this insurance has so many exclusions that we may have sell our car and take out a loan to pay for just the deductible. This could seriously be our financial downfall. And it's my fault. I've been watching videos of people living out of their vans. We may end up homeless. Yes, I am truly scared. And what if the surgery doesn't go well? I could end up an even bigger burden on Joe. Or dead.
Then what would happen to my mother? Will my brother step up and take over taking care of her? My sister can't. She's in a nursing home. Neither of my siblings have bothered to call me about this, or even to lend some sort of comfort. I'm nervous about having to call my brother to talk plainly about this because back in December when I needed advice about Mom's living situation, all he could say was, "I don't know what to tell you." He just kept repeating himself. I finally gave up and told him good-bye. So the support I was promised by him and my sister when I agreed to take care of our parents vanished. Completely. Now the only time I hear from my sister is when she wants to gripe about any imaged neglect my mom feels. My mom feels neglected if she isn't the main focus. She has always been a Diva and in her dotage she thinks that everything should be about her. I am worn out worrying about her and I often feel like she will out live me.
The doctor asked if I was under any stress. I laughed. Of course I am. The whole world is under stress. That's why we have stopped looking for a house. No raised garden, no chickens or goats. The goals and dreams I have are quickly fading...I don't want to die.
I'm scared.
Fight or flight. Part of me wants to run away. Just get in the van and take off. Joe would be better off without having me around to worry about. With me out of the way, he could focus on taking care of his elderly mother.
I'm scared.
And what about work? I have been a receptionist (entry level position) for the past 10 years. I know I am good at my job, but I'm feel like I am spinning my wheels, getting no where. In addition to all of my other duties, I manage the reservations for events here. The July 4th celebration had 1,150 people in attendance and I had to keep up with change after change. This job is very stressful and no one cares. But I can't get into that.
My own children are so wrapped up in their lives that they don't seem to care what is happening to their mother. I don't fault them for that. I raised my children to be independent and so now I can't except them to show any interest in me. I have given up on friends, other than a few co-workers. Friends I used to have only wanted me to use for their agendas and when I refused, they disappeared. Joe is my everything. Friend, lover, husband, partner. I love Joe so much, the idea of him going on without me terrifies me. Who will take care of him? Selfishly, I don't want anyone but me looking after him. I don't want anyone playing with my stuff!LOL!!
So that's why I haven't posted much lately. This situation is so serious. All I can manage most days is getting to work, going home and getting to bed. I haven't cooked in weeks. That's right.
Even my challenge to have a homemade lifestyle has caused me so much stress that I can't handle it.
I stay on the edge of tears, constantly. That may also be due to my hormones being messed up. I look out a the beach from my desk here at work and I cry watching people enjoying their day at the beach. I will be taking my vacation recovering from this surgery. Don't get me wrong, I am glad I at least have vacation time to use.
Earlier today I thought I'd do a little online shopping for work blouses. They are hard to find for my size, but I found several I could afford. But I emptied my online cart when I realized that by the time they would be shipped to me, I'd be having my surgery and may never get to wear them. That thought made me shed some tears.
Okay, enough of that. Buck up, sister! No one likes a downer, and that's all I've been lately. Smile and pretend all is well. Sigh, I need a CBD gummy.
If you read all the way to the end of this post, bless you! And peace to you. God help me.
I am scared. I want to have a positive attitude about all this, but when I'm in this much discomfort (I can feel the cyst on my left side) all I want to do is curl up and cry. We canceled another camping trip because of me. Additionally, I'm not even sure my health insurance will cover my surgery. The cost of insurance has gone up so much, that where I work had to offer a cut rate plan so employees could still afford something. But I am finding out the hard way that this insurance has so many exclusions that we may have sell our car and take out a loan to pay for just the deductible. This could seriously be our financial downfall. And it's my fault. I've been watching videos of people living out of their vans. We may end up homeless. Yes, I am truly scared. And what if the surgery doesn't go well? I could end up an even bigger burden on Joe. Or dead.
Then what would happen to my mother? Will my brother step up and take over taking care of her? My sister can't. She's in a nursing home. Neither of my siblings have bothered to call me about this, or even to lend some sort of comfort. I'm nervous about having to call my brother to talk plainly about this because back in December when I needed advice about Mom's living situation, all he could say was, "I don't know what to tell you." He just kept repeating himself. I finally gave up and told him good-bye. So the support I was promised by him and my sister when I agreed to take care of our parents vanished. Completely. Now the only time I hear from my sister is when she wants to gripe about any imaged neglect my mom feels. My mom feels neglected if she isn't the main focus. She has always been a Diva and in her dotage she thinks that everything should be about her. I am worn out worrying about her and I often feel like she will out live me.
The doctor asked if I was under any stress. I laughed. Of course I am. The whole world is under stress. That's why we have stopped looking for a house. No raised garden, no chickens or goats. The goals and dreams I have are quickly fading...I don't want to die.
I'm scared.
Fight or flight. Part of me wants to run away. Just get in the van and take off. Joe would be better off without having me around to worry about. With me out of the way, he could focus on taking care of his elderly mother.
I'm scared.
And what about work? I have been a receptionist (entry level position) for the past 10 years. I know I am good at my job, but I'm feel like I am spinning my wheels, getting no where. In addition to all of my other duties, I manage the reservations for events here. The July 4th celebration had 1,150 people in attendance and I had to keep up with change after change. This job is very stressful and no one cares. But I can't get into that.
My own children are so wrapped up in their lives that they don't seem to care what is happening to their mother. I don't fault them for that. I raised my children to be independent and so now I can't except them to show any interest in me. I have given up on friends, other than a few co-workers. Friends I used to have only wanted me to use for their agendas and when I refused, they disappeared. Joe is my everything. Friend, lover, husband, partner. I love Joe so much, the idea of him going on without me terrifies me. Who will take care of him? Selfishly, I don't want anyone but me looking after him. I don't want anyone playing with my stuff!LOL!!
So that's why I haven't posted much lately. This situation is so serious. All I can manage most days is getting to work, going home and getting to bed. I haven't cooked in weeks. That's right.
Even my challenge to have a homemade lifestyle has caused me so much stress that I can't handle it.
I stay on the edge of tears, constantly. That may also be due to my hormones being messed up. I look out a the beach from my desk here at work and I cry watching people enjoying their day at the beach. I will be taking my vacation recovering from this surgery. Don't get me wrong, I am glad I at least have vacation time to use.
Earlier today I thought I'd do a little online shopping for work blouses. They are hard to find for my size, but I found several I could afford. But I emptied my online cart when I realized that by the time they would be shipped to me, I'd be having my surgery and may never get to wear them. That thought made me shed some tears.
Okay, enough of that. Buck up, sister! No one likes a downer, and that's all I've been lately. Smile and pretend all is well. Sigh, I need a CBD gummy.
If you read all the way to the end of this post, bless you! And peace to you. God help me.
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