A Guttural Whine

Last weekend we looked at two properties. I liked both, and decided to put in a offer on one. Mind you, I confirmed from the mortgage company that with the loan program we are pre-approved for allowed manufactured homes as long as they were 2006 and newer. The home we put in the offer was made in 2006. But the next day I got a call from our mortgage loan person that the rules changed and now they don't lend for manufactured home in this state.

I like to do my own research and I thought I had done everything right. But even when I do everything right, it turns out to be wrong. This is the problem with depending on more powerful people/organizations then ourselves, we are subject to their whims. The hippie in me wants to drop out of society so badly. We are expected to conform, conform, conform, yet it is never enough.

Obligations and serfdom drag us down until we lose hope, creativity and most importantly our very soul. I've been watching videos online of people who have basically given up on the "American Dream" and live outside of  the rat race. I envy them.

We say to ourselves, "When the kids grown up," (which they never do!!) or "When the bills are paid off," (which they never are), or "When our parents have passed on," (which they don't) then we can live as we wish. It is required of us to take care of everything and everyone. When we don't or can't, the guilt is unbearable. Where are our lives? When do we get to start living the way we dream of living? Can we ever live that way or is it just a carrot that will forever be just out of reach? And if, by chance, we are able to get that carrot, will it be worth having? Or will we be too old and sick to know what to do with it?

I want to see the Grand Canyon. I want to be healthy. I want to explore nature. I want to sing and dance around a campfire. I want to grow and eat our own food. I want to raise chicken and goats.

There are two versions of our future I want. And if only one happens, that's okay. They are both awesome. But at this point, I don't see either happening.

So, what now? Work and worry myself to death? Let obligations wear me down and tear me apart.

I have all these wonderful ideas and plans that would make my life so interesting. But after a long day at work all I want to do is eat a quick dinner, read on a book and go to sleep. The most productive time of the day is spent working for other people so they play. My fear is that before I know it, I will be too sick and old to enjoy living.

A big change is needed and soon. If it doesn't happen, I will pass out of this world without ever truly living. Worse yet, to be a burden on someone.

I want to be upbeat and positive. I really do!

Thank you for reading and Peace to you. May you find what makes you happy and do it while you can. I pray that for you and I hope you will pray that for me.

Peace.


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